Archive for December, 2009

The Big Bagel Burtch Part Deux

Friday, December 11th, 2009

Now that I’ve cleared up the proper use of the word bagel, (see my post for the Big Bagel Burtch Part 1 from November 25 by clicking here), it’s time to address the real crux of The Big Bagel Burtch.

Yes, I was born and raised in Montreal, The Bagel Capital of the North and I spend as much time as I can in New York, The Bagel Capital of The South. I am not going to participate in the debate over which capital has the better bagel – not yet anyway. If you’re in to that debate look at the New York Times City Room article I have linked to by clicking here.

What I really want to burtch about is the ridiculous amount of bagel “flavours.” Where is it written that a bagel should be flavoured? Oy!

So here’s the thing. The bagel, as originally conceived, was baked in two varieties. Got that? Two varieties, not flavours. When you went to the Bagel Factory you stood in line and were seduced by the wonderful smell of freshly baked bagel. As you made your way to the front of the line you only had one thought on your mind: poppy or sesame. And, by the way, most people bought their bagel at The Bagel Factory. Very few conventional bakeries sold bagel unless they were re-selling Bagel Factory Bagel.

So where did we go wrong? What happened? Now it seems everybody is selling bagel – and not just poppy or sesame! They’ve got garlic, chive, pumpernickel, oatmeal raisin, one grain, three grain, nine grain, multigrain and… and… blueberry! FEH!!!

Save the bagel in its original form! Cast aside flavours and embrace the variety in poppy or sesame bagel only.  Build Bagel Factories and the people will come!

Here’s my fantasy, which takes me back a bit to the days when the Bagel was truly respected. By the way, if you can find a copy of Don Bell’s book titled “Saturday Night at the Bagel Factory, and Other Montreal Stories” it will help you appreciate my fantasy.

You usually only bought bagel on Saturday night and ate two or three of them in the car on the way home. The rest were for Sunday morning breakfast when they were smothered with butter or fresh cream cheese and lox – either salted or unsalted of course.

That’s what made Sunday morning special and that’s what made a bagel special.

As You Like It

Friday, December 11th, 2009

“To be or, like you know, not to be. Like, you know that is totally the question.”

Poor William Shakespeare. He must be spinning in his grave. Just listen to those around you and you’ll understand why.

I was in a local coffee shop the other day and this couple next to me was having a fairly animated conversation. I couldn’t help overhearing what was going on. Now I did come in at the middle of the conversation but it sounded something like this:

She:          “So you know he goes, ‘Joan, you can’t like do that.’ And I’m saying like why not? And for some reason you know he just goes ‘don’t do that ‘cause like it will be like awful.’”

He:            “You must have been like, you know, totally PO’d.”

She:            “Totally… whatever.”

Needless to say I was intrigued… but not by the content of the conversation: the number of annoying words these people used amazed me. At that very moment I remembered reading about a survey that was conducted last October by Marist College in Poughkeepsie, New York.

They surveyed a group of people and came up with what they determined to be the world’s most annoying words. Whatever easily beat out you know, yet the words totally, like, it is what it is and at the end of the day were also characterized as some of the most annoying words used today.

And here are some other words that just bug the vowels out of me: cool, awesome, check it out, that said and give it up.

Here’s a fun activity idea, if you can stand it: count how many times people use these annoying words in the course of their conversation. After about ten minutes I’m sure you’ll realize that at the rate our language seems to be deteriorating this is indeed “The winter of our discontent.” Or whatever.

The Great Chanukah Conspiracy

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

This Chanukah, once again, I’m sure we’ll be forced to buy more than one box of candles. It happens every year and it’s not fair.

Using simple math it’s easy to calculate how many candles are needed for the Menorah: two for the first night, three for the second night… That comes to forty-four candles.

Now, although it is true that most boxes of Chanukah candles contain 45 candles, there is no way that one box will do the trick. And the candle makers know this.

Many of the boxes I’ve purchased are so tightly packed that there is no way you can remove the first candle without breaking it. And watch out for candles that have stuck together during manufacturing. It’s reminds me of the same problem I have getting that first “dill” out of the pickle jar – a real feat!

So if you are lucky enough to get that first one out in one piece, make sure that your candle holders in the Menorah are clean and clear of any wax from say Chanukah 5765. If you don’t clean them out first and try and force that bright red candle in you’re going to be in trouble! Forcing is not a good Chanukah word: Chanukah candles don’t like forcible entry. (By the way, if you are keeping count here we are already down three or four candles and it’s only the first night!) Can you see the smiles on the candle makers faces?

One other problem is that some of the wicks just don’t want to light. It’s as though some sadist candle maker treated the wick with a fire retardant solution. And then of course some wicks are waxed over. Don’t ever try and break off some of the wax and retrieve a wick… Chanukah candles don’t like that either.

The answer here is to just admit it: you’re going to need at least two boxes of Chanukah candles.

Oh, and one final thing! Don’t tell yourself that you’ll keep the remaining candles for next Chanukah. You’ll never remember where you’ve stored them!